I can make anybody pretty.
I can make you believe any lie.
I can make you pick a fight with somebody twice your size.
Well, Ive been known to cause a few break-ups,
An' Ive been known to cause a few births.
Well, I can make you new friends, or get you fired from work.

And since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg an' Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
An' helpin' white people dance.
I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times youll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

I got blamed at your wedding reception,
For your best mans embarrassing speech.
And also for those naked pictures of you at the beach.
Ive influenced Kings and world leaders,
I helped Hemingway write like he did.
And Ill bet you a drink or two, that I can make you put that lampshade on your head.